“The fee for trying really hard to not let the plane fall apart.”

I’m not sure, but I believe that might be one of those hidden junk fees that airlines are suing the US Transportation Department for banning. Or, I might have just made it up.

Gary Brown: Finding out I’m and old fogey

To be totally honest, I have no idea what these supposed junk fees are. How would I? They’re hidden. But, I’ve got to admit, I’m glad the government banned them. I’m happy not to pay any fees I’m not aware of. You may or may not agree. I’m cheap. So, sue me.

“These fees, often referred to as ancillary fees, encompass charges for services such as checked baggage, seat selection, and onboard amenities,” Yahoo News explained a few days ago. “The rule mandates that airlines provide clear and upfront information about these fees to consumers during the booking process, thereby enabling passengers to make more informed decisions about their travel expenses.”

I’d certainly try to make an informed decision if I knew that one hidden fee was “the fee to check to make sure that an emergency door doesn’t create an emergency by falling off.” And the first decision I would make likely would be to look into how long it would take to get where I’m going by car.

Although, I’ve got to admit that, if I had to get somewhere really fast, so I had to fly, I’d certainly willingly make the decision to pay “the fee to keep all the engines from catching on fire.” It would be money well spent and would let me look out the window without worrying.

Making my own decisions

The rest of the hidden fees, I’m not sure about.

But, like the government said, I’d sure like to know what they are. As it is, I’m left to just guess.

And I’m guessing that two of the fees are “the fee to get that little bag of peanuts” along with “the fee to guarantee that if we give you soda you also get the rest of the half-filled can.” I can do without them. I’ll drink a lot before I board and bring snacks.

Very few people are paying any hidden “fee to eat an in-flight meal” anymore. So I’m not even going to worry about whether the fee for a meat lunch is higher than a midday vegetarian meal.

I’d pay a “fee for an in-flight magazine.” I always read them. But, I would pass on the “fee for an in-flight film,” especially during a night flight. I always fall asleep half-way through. Rather than paying, I should be getting a rebate.

If there is a fee for seat belt and other safety instructions, I’d like to pass on it. I’ve heard them many times. I can recite them with the flight attendant.

Besides, I shouldn’t have to worry. I’ve probably already paid the “fee to keep the plane from going down.” I’m heading home for free.

Finding a few other fees

But, all this got me wondering. What are other hidden fees that, granted, I wouldn’t have heard of or they would be called “obvious fees.”

Is there a fee to use the jetliner’s restroom? Could I refuse that fee for a short flight and not drink the complimentary coffee?

Perhaps there is a “scenic window seat fee.” Or do they charge a “fee to use both arm rests when sitting in the middle seat.” Maybe, for aisle seat passengers, airlines have a “fee not to have your feet kicked back in front of you if you rudely stick them out in the path of a flight attendant.”

I hope not, because it’s more of a warning than a service, but I have a sneaking feeling there is a “fee for every time we have to ask you if your seat belt is fastened.”

If the airlines’ lawsuit fails, and the hidden fees are widely revealed, can I expect to find out there is a “fee for shouldering a suitcase-sized knapsack and calling it a carry-on?”

Finally, if all the fees really are somewhere online in a contract we agree to when we purchase our tickets, is there a “fee to make the print so small – merely to save passengers space – that you need a microscope to read it.” If so, I’d really like to see it…without the “auxiliary science equipment fee.”

Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP.

This article originally appeared on The Repository: Airlines’ fees are a costly mystery for flyers