i’ve looped around and instead of being envious of people who left twitter, i now think they’re weak and i love everyone who stayed

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 22, 2024

My office overlooks a river, and today, my boss announced that a Q2 goal is for everyone to comment on the river at least twice a week. Specific examples of “wow, lotta ducks” and “what kind of boat do you suppose that is?” were cited, and I am once again yearning for the mines.

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) February 22, 2024

guy next to me on the bus is just on his phone ai-generating pictures of guys playing baseball with baguettes instead of bats. just the same prompt over and over

— largest rodent (@capybaroness) February 21, 2024

if screens bad why watching big screen while holding little screen feel so good

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 22, 2024

NYT Connections loves trying to call me uneducated over and over again. Tinder grinder bumble and hinge? Nice try, i learned my lesson after sponge bob square pants

— abby govindan (@abbygov) February 20, 2024

When I don’t want to do something, I just break it down into little steps. All of which I don’t want to do either.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) February 20, 2024

My mum has hers as “It’s complicated” and refuses to accept my dad’s friend request on Facebook despite them being married and living in the same house https://t.co/FLjOCfxY2J

— Grace (@graceyldn) February 20, 2024

my boyfriend just called to tell me he’s eating an orange he found in a parking lot and I’m now realizing we’re going to have to have a discussion about “found ground food”.

— clair with the “esq” (@nastywomanatlaw) February 18, 2024

9yo (frustrated and crying): I just want to read my book, but I keep having to talk to people and do chores!

— Annie Morgan (@annie_m_morgan) February 18, 2024

every time i have an “i’m back in high school/college and have to go to a class i’ve been skipping all semester” dream my dream self thinks “man its pretty weird i always dream about this and now it’s actually happening”. Ur so close dude come on

— zou bisou bisou where are you (@lilgrapefruits) February 15, 2024

i’m nosey but idk if i’m a 50 part tik tok nosey.

— fran fine. (@C0URTMICHELE) February 19, 2024

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

— chase (@_chase_____) February 23, 2024

The big bottle of soy sauce is empty.Inner chaos-voice: “Fill it full of Diet Coke and casually sip from it in staff meetings, just to freak people out?” pic.twitter.com/tZwNrdbynl

— Dr Laura Eastlake (@VictorianMasc) February 20, 2024

my 2yo demanded a “skateboard song” at bedtime (idk how he knows what a skateboard is ???) and i told him i did not know a skateboard song but he insisted and so i sang “sk8er boi” and he went straight to sleep.

— emily petrini (@emilykmay) February 20, 2024

I love being a cat owner. They’re such easy pets to- STOP ATTACKING THE CURTAINS! QUIT EATING THE PLASTIC BAG YOU ALMOST DIED LAST TIME- but like I was saying very low maintenance pets

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 17, 2024

i believe in traditional marriage. the husband should provide the material for the wife to write the personal essays about

— katie kadue (@kukukadoo) February 17, 2024

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) February 16, 2024

if i was NPR’s competitor i would put on a concert with the biggest fucking desk you’ve ever seen

— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) February 17, 2024